Gratitude in Action #167

Shawn McLaughlin:

Once I started to just focus on trying to be helpful to other people and do what I can, the things that I need have just seemed to be provided for me, you know, and I find myself in a better situation than I ever could have navigated for myself.

Barb Schmidt:

I am a great example of no matter what you have in the external world, if you aren't loving yourself, it doesn't really matter. You're never going to be happy. You're never going to feel a part of the whole and feel like life matters.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

This is Dr. Lisa Belisle and you are listening to Love Maine radio show number 167, airing for the first time on Sunday, November 23, 2014. Today we are speaking about gratitude in action. Are you grateful for the life you have? Maintaining gratitude, despite sometimes seemingly insurmountable difficulties is an active process. Today we speak with Sean McLaughlin about his personal experience as outlined in Maine Magazine about living gratefully and with author Barb Schmidt about the ways in which she practices this process daily. Thank you for joining us. As listeners of the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour know, it is always my great pleasure to speak spend time with people that I interact with on a regular basis but have more depth to their story than people might realize. One of these individuals is Sean McLaughlin who is someone that I work with at 75 Market Street. Sean McLaughlin is the manager of a sober house in Portland. He also volunteers at Preble street, is an AA sponsor to many, and speaks frequently about his struggle with addiction for local organizations here in Portland and in Boston where he is from. Most importantly, I think Shawn has really become quite a member of the 75 Market street family and works on the sales team, does a great job and really seems to balance a Lot of things. It's a pleasure to have you in today, Sean.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Your story is an interesting one because you kind of quietly dealt with some issues for a long, long time before you said, okay, you know what? This isn't working for me, and I need to do things differently. But all. I don't know. To all outside appearances, you didn't have any problems. In fact, everybody thought you were doing great.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah, my fears and insecurities were there long before I picked up a drink or a drug. Drugs and alcohol were always medicinal for me, really, right from the beginning. It was something that helped me to face the things that I wasn't able to without them. You know, it ended up manifesting the fear and insecurity ended up manifesting itself with addiction later on down the road. But, yeah, it was. It was something that was always there. I always had that feeling that, you know, I was searching for happiness in all these places outside because I knew that, you know, internally I was lacking something.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You and I had the chance to talk about your story for the November issue of Maine Magazine. You were raised in Medford.

Shawn McLaughlin:

I was.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You have an older sister named Erin, who is a nurse, and a mother and father who knew each other for 25 years. And by your report, you had it all. You star standout lacrosse and baseball player. You went to prep school in your hometown area. You were sort of aiming for the stars. Tell me a little bit about what that was like growing up.

Shawn McLaughlin:

I was fortunate. I had a great family. My mother, my parents. Marriage is an example to me of what I would like to have in my life. My sister's great. She's a nurse. My father's a court officer. Even my extended family's great. I was very blessed. I went to private school. I had everything I ever wanted. I really did. And I did have some success. You know, my mother. My mother's sickness. My mother. My mother got cancer when I was probably 13 years old. And things changed for me after that. The reason why I think that I was so maybe successful, if you will, or looked so from the outside, was because that was, like, the only thing that I cared about. You know, that's what drove me. You know, I made, you know, the perception I have of myself was based entirely on what everybody else thought, you know, And I would do anything to keep up appearances and to impress people, because inside, you know, I don't know, I was searching for something to kind of. To fill that void, I guess you could say. You know, after my mother ended up being in remission, her and I had this bond. We had this amazing relationship. We were super close. And not until 15 years later when things kind of came back to her and she got sick again, did that change. But in the meantime, I continued to do that. And I think in a way, the success that I had didn't hinder me, but it stopped me from, I don't know if you want to say, hitting bottom or being forced to kind of look at my motives or my intentions, but because I kind of surrounded myself with the people that, like, would co sign, if you will, the stuff that I was doing. And I surrounded myself with industries where it was, like, not only acceptable to do what I was doing, but actually would make you succeed. You know, I was in an industry where it's all about, you know, looks and appearances and parties and events and, you know, drinking and drug use is something that's not necessarily frowned upon. You know, it was like kind of the glitz and the glam and. And that's like kind of the guy that I became. Even though, like, deep down I would tell you that I was really never that person. And as I had more and more success, I became more and more uncomfortable with who I was becoming, which led to just more, you know, drinking and drug use. You know, afraid to kind of deal with those feelings.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Why was it so important? Because it sounds like this started quite early. Why was it so important to have people regard you in a certain way?

Barb Schmidt:

What.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

What was the driver for that?

Shawn McLaughlin:

I don't know. I mean, to be honest with you, it's something that I still struggle with today. You know, I really, for whatever reason, you know, I would. I would call it a spiritual malady. You know, I would say that I spiritually was looking for something, you know, or I was missing something and I didn't know what it was. And I tried a lot of other things. It wasn't just, you know, what people thought of me. It was, you know, my over to parents, whether that's going to the gym five times a day or, you know, taking steroids, whether it's, I need a different girlfriend and it's her fault, or, you know, I need a new car, I need a new. I was just. I'm constantly searching for these things that are going to give me that, like, inner peace that I. I think that I need or that I'm missing. And as I, like, would check those off my list, you know, I'd get in the new car and kind of sigh to Myself and say, oh, that didn't really do it. And then, you know, what else can I do? You know, looking back, I don't think that I was ever really even happy. You know, maybe as a kid, but other than that, I feel like my life was trying to collect things and put myself in situations to distract me from the fact that I was unhappy, you know? And for me, I guess my answer to that question would be that it was a. I was. I had a spiritual malady. I was spiritually sick. And, you know, for me, the only happiness was ever going to come from. From inside. And that was just something that I didn't know about. And I probably wouldn't have been interested in even taking that path at that time. Drugs and alcohol ended up being something that brought me down and also brought me to the spiritual solution that most things or not, many other things would bring me to. So for that, I'm grateful for that as well.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

After high school, you went on to college and you studied criminal justice.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yep.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you went to work for the sheriff's office.

Shawn McLaughlin:

I did.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you rose in the ranks. They actually had you doing some special ops work. And then your mom got sick, and it was a very strange and freak thing because she had been in remission from her. She had neuroblastoma. She had been in remission from that. And she was going in for a procedure to get her ready for. It was more of a cosmetic procedure, really. To get her ready for your sister's wedding?

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah, she was. My sister was getting married, and she had. My sister. My mother, rather, had some vision problems from where her incision line was. And she went in to kind of get, I guess what would kind of be described as a mini facelift. And I went with her at Mass General. I remember the day vividly. I remember the room. It was funny. A few years later, I ended up there for something completely different. And I was looking around the room, and they brought me in the same actual office and everything. And I just had these flashbacks about it kind of. But it was definitely a moment that I'll remember. We went in and she had this procedure that took all of five minutes. I held her hand. I was in the room with her sitting right next to her. It didn't seem like a big deal. We went home, we went to the wedding, which was great. A couple weeks later, and. And not too long after that, she just had some irritation in her. In her head. And it looked like kind of like a rash. And you know where that was? Around the incision. Line. We were kind of sensitive to that. So. So she went into the hospital and. And she had this, like, staph infection, like, right away. We went in for, like, a quick checkup and ended up like, taking her, you know, by ambulance. And she had, like, an emergency surgery that night. You know, at the time, it was like, thank God that that happened that we caught it. So she went to Spalding Rehab for a few weeks, came home, and we were pretty grateful that. That they caught it so early. And then she went back for, you know, for a checkup a few weeks later to make sure that everything was still gone. And it was back again just as bad as it was before, you know, so they tried a different surgery, and then, you know, it didn't really go away. And the third time they tried a more invasive surgery, and then that would continue for, you know, the better part of two and a half years, where it was, you know, a trach. For a little bit, she was on. And then it was, you know, the surgeries got more and more invasive. She was home less and less. She was better for less period in between, and things just got really bad. She went through a lot of pain. It was. It was difficult to see her and my father go through that, you know, and for me personally, on my end, it was something that I used as an excuse to just continue what I was doing. And even, you know, further it even more, you know, I would like to say that I was there for my family and I stepped up and, you know, I tried to take care of my father and my mother, but that wasn't really the reality. I was already. I was definitely trying to escape at that point. And I was, you know, unable to be accountable. You know, I wasn't able to be depended on, relied on. Even when I was there, even when I was in the hospital, even when I was with my family, I wasn't, like, really there. You know, I wasn't really present again. It was. I was really concerned about myself. You know, I was selfish. That was, like, the biggest problem that I had. You know, my mother's sick, and my father's been with her since he was, you know, 13 years old. And in my head, I'm worried about, you know, poor me, you know, and I'm losing my mother, and I'm going through this, and, you know, I really did. You know, that's kind of the way that I looked at things at the time. You know, I felt bad for myself over it.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You weren't really the person that ever took pills or drank a lot. I mean, you weren't really the sort who partied. You were always very careful about your body and what went into it until you hit a certain point and then you just gave in.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah, I. You know, as an athlete in high school, I drank like some kids do in high school. I mean, I guess you're underage, so it's probably not normal. But, you know, I drank a little bit in high school, college, a little bit more. I don't know. My mother was super protective of me, and she had me, I guess, afraid more than anything else. It was just drugs weren't something that I was gonna do, you know, and as people gravitated towards that in high school and certainly in college, you know, I stayed clear of it even though I was in those environments. You know, at the parties, at the nightclubs, at the bars. That was just something I didn't do, and people didn't really ask me to. They knew that that was kind of my stance, and they respected it, and I respected them. I remember it as I got more and more kind of uncomfortable with myself and uncomfortable with the situation with my mother. And, you know, again, I was letting it affect work and I was letting it affect my focus. And it's funny, I do remember, you know, specifically the night that, you know, I was out with my friends and we were getting ready to go into Boston, and I kind of, like, made a conscious decision to say, you know what? I don't even really care anymore. And I don't know the reason why I think I held off so long or that I didn't do anything was because maybe deep down I knew that it wasn't going to be good for me, you know, that I wasn't going to be able to handle it. I'm a guy that if I start going to the gym, I'm going to go five times a day and dedicate my whole life to it. And that's the way that I kind of take things on. So I think maybe I always, deep down knew that if I was to go down that road, that I would do the same thing. And ultimately, that's what happened. I remember specifically that night kind of, you know, giving in or whatever, whatever, if you will, and, you know, that opened doors for me that I wasn't able to close for the next better part of seven years, you know.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

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[Unidentified voice]:

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Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You went into a 12 step program?

Shawn McLaughlin:

I did.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you did it twice.

Shawn McLaughlin:

I did.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So what was the first rock bottom?

Shawn McLaughlin:

My, I mean, ultimately my drug use just came to the point where I, you know, I think another thing that extended it for me was that I could, I could afford it, you know, for a while. Realistically, that's pretty much all that it was, you know, and I would look at people once I knew that I had a problem, you know, I'd start going to meetings and I would look at the other people there and I would compare myself to them and I would have a suit on and a car in the parking lot and a job and a house and a girlfriend and a dog. And I would tell myself that although I know that what I'm doing isn't normal, isn't right, and something needs to change. I'm not like these people. And. And so I guess, you know, I took a. I switched jobs because I thought that the liquor was the problem. So I started working for a different company and we ended up. The company ended up closing, and, you know, for the first time in a while, I wasn't making the big money and I was home a lot more in front of my girlfriend and my family, and they kind of saw what was going on and, you know, ultimately everything just kind of came crashing down as far as finances and my health and, you know, my relationships with people. And I had. I was lucky enough to have a friend that had been through something similar and went to this 12 step retreat in New Hampshire and suggested that I. That I go there. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into when I went there. I wasn't really familiar with, you know, 12 step program other than the meetings that I went to. Which, to be honest, where I'm from, aren't really, you know, based around the 12 steps. You know, they have them on the wall and they talk about them here and there, but it's not really what they do. So I went to the place in New Hampshire, and that was the first time that I was exposed to, you know, a 12 step program where, you know, they revealed to me that I was the problem, you know, that it wasn't drugs and alcohol. Someone actually sat in front of me and told me that, much like myself, they, at a certain point were drinking and doing drugs every day. And then they stopped and their life got worse, you know, and that's when I kind of, like, sat up and I said, well, you know, you can't say that stuff, you know, so someone's gonna beat you up in the parking lot if you say something like that, you know, in Boston at a meeting. But in reality, that was my experience, you know, and I heard someone say that to me, you know, because that was my experience. You know, I tried to not drink and to not pick up drugs, and I did for a while. And like I said, I didn't get better. I got worse. You know, maybe I got better in all the ways that, you know, it looks like on the outside, you know, I have a little bit more money, obviously, because I'm not. I'm not spending a thousand dollars a day. And, you know, I look a little bit better because I'm sleeping maybe. And, you know, people at work think that I'm great because I'm working 18 hours a day. So, like, some things get a little bit better just if you're not, you know, doing drugs constantly, ironically enough, but where it counts, you know, in my heart, in my, in my head, like, I knew that, you know, I was getting worse. It was only a matter of time. So this was the first time that I was exposed to that when I was in New Hampshire. And I'd like to sit here and say that, you know, and ever since then, things have been great for me and that wasn't my experience, you know, unfortunately for me, I did what I've always done my whole life. And what that is, is I sacrifice any long term happiness for, you know, that short term pleasure again. You know, I was willing to do anything or go to any length until I got some things back, you know, and then things changed for me, you know, so when I went there originally, I had nothing and my relationships were terrible and I had no job and, you know, my life was a mess. And then all of a sudden I'm given another great job and people like me again and my girlfriend trusts me again, and I feel a little bit better now all of a sudden, the things that I'm willing to do aren't really the same same things that I'm willing to do. You know, I need to do 12 step work and I need to live this life, but I need to do it as much as a smart, educated guy like myself needs to do it, which is like a little bit less than everybody else, you know, so you hit that bottom.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You went back to the 12 step program. This time you really believed that, okay, I've got to do something because what I've been doing isn't working for me. You stayed there, you really started to work more at this process, and they asked you to stay on at the 12 step program. And then when you were done, they said, why don't you go to Portland?

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And that's how you ended up here. Which is about. It's two years ago.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah, two years ago.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Just about a year and a half.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you've been working since then. You worked first you stayed in a halfway house and. And then you were asked to manage a halfway house, but with this understanding that you're still actively involved in your own sobriety.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I would like to say, like, you know, I went back to the place in New Hampshire with this, like, you know, better outlook. And the reality is that I just tried it my way and it didn't work. So, like, I Can't really take all the credit for, you know, going back and doing it differently. I mean, I guess I did, but it was because at this point, I had tried everything else, you know, so I didn't really have a leg to start stand on, to go back there and say, I'm unwilling to do it completely 100% your way this time, you know, because my experience showed me that my way brings me back there. You know, I kind of was ready to do whatever it took, you know, to take the suggestions. And what that looked like was to stay there for a few extra months. You know, I was in New Hampshire for three months in the middle of the woods, you know, working on. Working on myself and trying to. Trying to be a maximum help to others. The part of that program where you stay there longer is, you know, you're clearly still working on your own issues and you're in early sobriety, but it's an opportunity to help the new guy, you know, show people around, just kind of be, you know, be there for other people in a way that I never really was. You know, it was already, at that point, a feeling of, you know, kind of usefulness that I hadn't had in a long time. You know, I made a few amends trips while I was up there, back to Boston, you know, and I'd come back up, and that experience was. Was crazy. And another thing that I was unwilling to do the first time, so an

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

amend trip would be to go make amends to somebody that you felt.

Shawn McLaughlin:

You know, part of what we do is, you know, we make a list of all people that we've harmed, and we become willing to make amends to them all, you know, and then we go and do so, which is a big part of what. What the program is all about, you know, and that was something that I kind of came right up to that point the first time, you know, and that's when I kind of started to hit the brakes a little bit. You know, you're expecting me to go to these people that, like, think a lot of me, you know, that I might be working for in the future and tell them about things that I've done that they don't even know about, you know. And so I said, this time, you know, let's do it. And I started doing some of the more difficult ones that I didn't want to do. And that's, again, another thing. Things started changing for me. Having some. Some amazing experiences through that, you know, positive, negative, you know, they never went the way that, you know, you thought they were gonna go. And again, you know, I'm willing and I'm doing what they're asking me to do. Yet now I'm ready to go back to Boston, you know, and then comes the end of June and they suggested I go to Portland, Maine. And, and, and now I hit that thing again where, like, I got this now I can take it from here. I'm glad I stayed longer than the first time. But, you know, now I. Now I have it now I can take my will back now, you know, I can. I can go back to my job, my career, and not go to Portland, Maine. Which when I pictured Portland, Maine in my head, it was like, you know, the woods in a. Like a log cabin.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And it gets better because you are. It was the summertime in Maine in a room that wasn't air conditioned.

Shawn McLaughlin:

A tiny one.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It was tiny. You had a roommate?

Shawn McLaughlin:

I did. Slept like two feet away from me.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And they expected you also to volunteer until you imagine that.

[Unidentified voice]:

Huh.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Meaningful employment. So you began work at Prevost?

Shawn McLaughlin:

I did, yes.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Where? It's a whole other world.

Shawn McLaughlin:

It is. I volunteered down there kicking and screaming, to be honest with you. So when I finally said, okay, I'll go to Portland now, you know, for me, that looks like going to the beach every day and kind of just relaxing and again, so I keep constantly hitting those, like, yes, I'll do that. But now here's the next thing I'm not gonna do, you know, so for me, that was volunteer work. And ultimately I ended up going down to Preble street and started volunteering down there. Then honestly, that place and the people there changed my life, you know, so I'm volunteering down there. We needed to get a job per the house, and Sue Ellen, who's a kitchens manager down there, approached me one day and said, you know, what are you doing for work? And she offered me a position down there as like a full time person in the kitchen, which is emptying trucks and, you know, cooking breakfast and cleaning the tables off and just kind of doing whatever needs to be done, really. And I remember like looking at the application, taking it home and like thinking, you know, part of this whole program is to get out of my own way, and the right things will be if I just do what I'm supposed to be doing, which I felt like I was at that point, maybe reluctantly, but I was doing it. You know, the next right thing will be revealed to me. You know, what's the next right thing that I'm supposed to do? And I Would pray about it, and I would meditate on it, and, you know, and then I'm handed a job application by someone, you know, and so for me to look at that and say, like, this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, you know, would be lying to myself. So I take the job at Preble street, and I start working there every day. And just the experiences down there, you know, with the clients and with the people, and, you know, I've never been in an environment where people went to work every day to help other people, and they wanted to be there, you know, and they made a difference, you know, and. And see some of the gratitude on people's faces that the way I looked at things previously, I wouldn't look at them as people that should have been grateful for anything. It just made me look at things differently day in and day out. Yeah, I'm going back to my tiny room with no air conditioner and a roommate and house rules and all this stuff that I don't want to do. But then every single day, I would go to work and see things for how they really are and realize how blessed I am, you know, and how grateful I am to be there. And, you know, I say it, and it's not a joke at all. I mean it completely. I became the best job I ever had. You know, I worked there for the better part of a year until, you know, a few months ago. And the relationships that I formed down there are ones that, you know, I'll keep forever. You know, Sue Ellen's become one of the most important people in my life. I talk to her daily. Her husband, you know, the other people that I've met down there are people that, you know, have helped me out more than I'll ever help out anybody that, you know, that I work with. And then all of a sudden, as I started doing that, you know, I started finding myself, you know, being around the house more, and guys started coming to me for help. And all of a sudden, the guys that were at that sober house that I moved into when I moved in were gone. And I was the senior guy. You know, I had been there for nine months, and there were new kids coming in a month sober that just wanted to go to the beach every day and refuse to volunteer, right? And I looked at them, and I was like, wow, you know. You know, I know where you're coming from. I know you don't want to be up here. I know you want to be in Boston. You know, trust me. And I would bring them down to Preble street with me and introduce them to everybody and let them, you know, see them be useful and helpful to other people for the first time in their life. Some of them, you know, and see, see the looks on their faces and have the experiences of seeing somebody else start to get better is what really ultimately I think changed kind of the way I look at things.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you were asked to become the co manager at this new house that was being opened up by the 12 step retreat out of New Hampshire, which is where you are now. By day you work here at Maine Magazine, Old Port magazine. By night you are with this group of men, ages 19 to 50 something, all of whom are in various stages of sobriety just like you. And you continue to work at Preble Street. You also have spent time working with Share Our Strength with a friend that you knew from Medford, John Woods. And this feels all still very new to you.

Shawn McLaughlin:

It does, yeah. I actually moved in there, so, so now again I come up on this, I'm coming up on it, you know, I'm a year sober. What am I going to do next? Am I going back home? And then I'm asked to, you know, manage this house that they're opening this new house. And so again, there it is, right, you know, the next right thing is revealed to me. So, so I take the position and you know, I move into the house and you know, I just started trying to, you know, put myself out there, you know, and help other people. And you know, all of a sudden all these opportunities to be helpful came up. You know, like you said, John woods, who's, you know, family, he's a friend, he's a mentor, you know, I started working with him on a couple different things for sure, our strength. And you know, he ultimately gave me an introduction to the people here at the magazine. And you know, again, it's just another example of my life today. Once I started to just focus on trying to be helpful to other people and do what I can, you know, the things that I need have just seemed to be provided for me, you know, and I find myself in a better situation than I ever could have navigated for myself, you know, because the reality is once I take that control back and I try to put things together the way that I need them to be together, it doesn't go well, you know, and to say that, you know, the things that I have in my life today, you know, how grateful I am for exactly where I am, you know, I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed To be, for the first time ever, you know, professionally, you know, at the house that I'm at, you know, in Maine, ironically enough, you know, the love that has been shown to me by the state, the people here, the people at Preble street, the people, you know, here at 75 Market, the people that I interact with every day, is something that I'm just overflowing with gratitude for, honestly.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, your story is one that I know is to be continued. I know this is one that people are going to be interested in kind of continuing to watch. You're out in the community, you're sharing your story. You're a sponsor for various people who are going through sobriety or working at the sober house, and you are really willing to share. And you have already said to me, you know, I don't have the answers. You're not coming out there as somebody who has. Who has achieved sobriety. You're somebody who is in the process.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, you know, I'm a work in progress. You know, I think I sit here with, you know, 18 months sober, which is. Which is relatively early sobriety. You know, that's not the amazing thing. The amazing thing for me is I still that and I'm relatively happy every day, you know, and it's not because it's nice out or because I have a lot of money or because I have a nice car or because my girlfriend was nice to me or any of that stuff. It's because I do what I have to do today to maintain that internal happiness, you know, to maintain that fit spiritual condition, you know, and what that looks like is being helpful to the guys at my house, you know, and coming to work and working hard and. And trying to put myself out there and, you know, bring love and compassion to every situation that I'm in, you know, and I fall short constantly. But that's what I strive for today. You know, I don't wake up in the morning and say, you know, I hope I don't use today. You know, I don't take that for granted, you know, and I acknowledge it every morning, you know, and I take a. I take a first step every morning and acknowledge the fact that, you know, my life was unmanageable and I was powerless and, you know, and at night, you know, I'm thankful for that. So it's not something that I take for granted. But to say that there's no time, you know, throughout my day, no energy exerted to fight drinking or to fight using is the reality, you know. You know, for Me, it is all those other things that I was afraid to do today that I can do, you know, because I'm still that guy that, you know, will make $100,000. But I think that there's be, you know, a parade if I pay my car insurance, you know, like, that's just, you know, that's. That's. That's who I was, you know, and now I do that stuff today. It's like a big deal to me. You know, it's like to have a different relationship with my nieces and nephews that, you know, I want to go down there and visit them. And the time that I spend with them is just, like, amazing to me. You know, rather than worrying about what I'm doing next or I have to go there, you know, it's like, I can be accountable. Today, my family calls me for advice. You know, people in this community call me and ask me to speak at school or sober house or I spoke at the state house or whatever it might be. That blows my mind that people would ask me to do that. And that's what I choose to do, and that's what I want to do, because that's just so far from the person that I was. I was selfish and, you know, it was all about what I could get out of life, you know, And I've come to find out that, you know, it's not that it's what you give, you know, And I think that what I went through was one of the only. It's a unique experience that would bring me to that realization, you know. So, you know, it goes back to, like, what we were talking about the other day. You know, I have a prayer that is, you know, give me the difficulties in my life that will open my heart to compassion, you know, And I just find that for me and for most people, I think, you know, I've learned the most about myself and grown the most spiritually through the difficulties I've had. You know, spiritual experiences for me are tough, and they're in there and they're gross and icky, and there are things that I have to walk through that are not comfortable. And I come out on the other side walking through a fear, doing something I didn't want to do, and I'm happy and grateful that I did it, you know, and it gives me moments today that I can have just, like, great experiences with my family and friends.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, Sean, I appreciate your coming in and sharing your story with me again, but also the people who are listening for people who would like to hear more about your story, they can read the article in the November issue of Maine Magazine. Obviously, you are available if people would like to speak with you. Here at Maine Magazine and Old Port Magazine, we've been Speaking with Sean McLaughlin, who is many things but is continuing to work through the things in his life that have the things in your life that have troubled you. And I give you a lot of credit for that. And I give you a lot of credit for being willing to share with us today. Thank you, Sean.

Shawn McLaughlin:

Thank you. I'm very grateful for the opportunity. I appreciate it very much.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

As a physician and small business owner, I rely on Marcy Booth from Booth, Maine to help me with my own business and to help me live my own life fully. Here are a few thoughts from Marcy

[Unidentified voice]:

I can't imagine that I will ever be an artist. While I appreciate all kinds of art, I know that creating it is just something I'm not able to do. I don't have that kind of talent, and I find myself in awe of the people who do. Realizing that all of us have different and unique abilities and that we can't be good at everything is a tough thing to admit. It's a lesson I teach my children. But it's a lesson we all need to remind ourselves of as adults. Recognizing your strengths and talents early are keys to happiness and success, and leveraging those talents that others have is another key to a success. So while I may never have a gallery exhibition of my artwork, I find great joy in knowing that what I am and my entire team have is the talent to help businesses run better. We are the leverage an entrepreneur needs to be successful. I'm Marcie Booth. Let's talk about the changes you need. Boothmaine.com

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Last night I downloaded a book called the Practice and I spent some time reading it and I really it was such a gentle and lovely way to end my day and to cause me to think about the way that I live my life. That I was excited to meet with Barb Schmidt. And today we have Barb in the studio with us. Barb Schmidt is a lecturer and founder of Peaceful Mind, Peaceful Life and international best selling author of the Practice Simple Tools for Managing Stress, Finding Inner Peace, and Uncovering Happiness. What's really great is that Barb is actually from Florida and just happens to be in Maine today. So thanks so much for coming in.

Barb Schmidt:

Oh, my gosh. My pleasure. It's an honor to be here.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Your book really, as I said, is just very gentle, very approachable, and you say it in the introduction. Simple tools. What you're suggesting that we have, which is a peaceful mind, peaceful life is achievable, definitely. You came to this through lots of hard work, though.

Barb Schmidt:

I did. Really hard work.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So tell me a little bit about. Tell me about your background and how you came to realize I need to do something a little bit different.

Barb Schmidt:

Yeah, Lisa, I'd love to. So I've been practicing for 30 years. And what got me on this path of practicing, I grew up very unhappy, always looking for some way to fit in, some way to feel like I mattered, some way to feel like I was worthwhile, because I didn't feel any of those things. It was a difficult home life. Both of my parents were alcoholics, so it was hard never really knowing which end was up and just always feeling like I was on the outside looking in on life, but had this little spark in me that knew that there was a way that things could be better, that just knew that this couldn't be how it needed to be. So growing up and trying to reconcile those two, of feeling like I knew that I had to find another way, but it was difficult to find another way. I ended up becoming bulimic at around 19, 20 years old, and that lasted about six or seven years. And just one day, I woke up ready to go to work and thought, I can't go to work. I just felt too depleted, too depressed, too whatever you want to call it. And I was reading the newspaper and saw an anniversary of Karen Carpenter's death, who was one of my favorite, favorite, favorite singers of all time. And she was talking about her anorexia. They were talking about her anorexia and her bulimia and what caused her die at such a young age. And the next day, I checked myself into a treatment center, and that just changed my whole life. Being in treatment, having hit that bottom that they say, and having felt so alone and just not okay with my life, always searching for happiness. Being in treatment, I was able to start talking about all the things that were causing me to feel this way from the inside. And I actually felt like someone who was let out of jail. For the first time in my life, I thought, whoa, this is really fabulous. I felt good. And in this treatment center, their treatment for bulimia, anorexia, Alcoholism, all of that was the 12 steps. So I felt comfortable and alive and incredible and leaving that treatment center after six weeks. The 11th step of AA is sought through prayer and meditation to deepen my conscious contact with God as I understand him or her. And so I just went on a massive search of knowing that that was what was going to keep me well and keep me happy. But also it was really what I knew that I needed to really make something incredible in my life. I just had that deep knowing. So went on this search and went on retreat after retreat after retreat with all the great teachers of meditation and spirituality and wholeness. And 30 years later, here I am today at 57 years old, very happy. And people ask me, you know, what, what does happiness mean? And it doesn't mean that I wake up just ecstatic every single day. I wake up every day grateful to be alive. It's like an underlying sense of gratitude and knowing how strong and how much I matter. I didn't care for myself very much, as I alluded to. But knowing that I do love myself today and I do matter, you can handle anything. You can really get on with your life every single day knowing that it's a great blessing to be alive. So that's hopefully a little, in a short little capsule, my life path for 57 years. And it's been my blessing to share what I have learned as a result of these 30 years of practice, helping people find their own inner strength. And it matters greatly that you become your own advocate, you become your own teacher, you become your own best friend. And so that's my biggest mission and passion with peace of mind, Peaceful life is helping people see you're not at the mercy of the external world and you're not at the mercy and you don't need to have another person to be your crutch or to be your leaner. And you can find guidance and teaching from so many great people. But ultimately you really need to know your own worth and your own well being and your own sense of greatness by yourself and really because of yourself and know that how great you are. So I'm on this massive mission to help people see that.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You were the oldest of five children, I believe, raised Catholic. It seems as though you might have been called upon, especially if you had parents with an alcohol issue, to really take care of a lot of people from quite an early age.

Barb Schmidt:

Yeah, I did, I did. And I think that really there was a blessing being raised. It was that we were a very strict Catholic home. So I did go to mass all the time. And so even with all the dysfunction of the alcoholism, there was that sense of we do go to Mass and we do pray and we do. I taught catechism when I was in middle school. So all this dysfunction going on around me, I still had that sense. So I think I say in the book, there was a part of me, do I want to be a nun or do I want to be rich and famous? Because I would watch tv, that girl, Marlo Thomas, that really dates me, I love watching that show. And I loved her flying around, running around New York City with her long black hair. And I thought, I want to be like that. But then I would go to mass on Sunday and I would teach catechism in middle school. I think I want to be like that. I want to be a nun. So I think my whole life has been a search of how do you bring those two together? One of my very favorite teachers and one of my closest friends. Friends who did a beautiful testimony in the book. Tenzin Palmo, the Buddhist nun. She is such a beautiful example of living in a cave. But when you spend time with her, she's just like us. And I love her so much. You don't have to go live in a cave. You don't have to leave the life that you're in. You just really need to stay grounded within yourself and find that deep strength within yourself to live your life. So you're kind of living in your cave for a little while in the morning and for a little while, a minute here and a minute there during the day. And then when you go to sleep, you kind of go back into your cave and let the day go and then go on with your life. So I found a way to be in. In my cave, so to speak, or within, but also be in the world so we can be in the world and be in ourselves all at the same time. It's really my greatest passion is to help people see that you just have to get connected with yourself first and then go out and live your life.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You suggest that you start the day in meditation. And we have more and more started to understand that meditation has tremendous health benefits, emotional benefits, and has become more mainstream. But when you began this process, I believe it was in the 80s, it wasn't that mainstream at all. Especially, I believe you were living in Florida at that time.

Barb Schmidt:

Yes, yes.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So what was that like to be doing something that people around you and needed to get up at 4:30 in the morning, you know, before your daughter got up? What was that like for you, it

Barb Schmidt:

was very private, I have to say. I say, now I run a meditation class that I've been doing for 16 years now in Florida. And when people come today, they say, how long have you been here? I say, 16. They said, oh, my gosh, where have you been? I said, underground. It was kind of. I think today I feel like it was a great blessing because it wasn't so mainstream, because most people, if I would even talk about it, thought I was nuts or I was this Eastern crazy person, or they would always label me as a Hindu or a Buddhist. And I would say, no, I'm not really any of those things. I'm just. I love practicing and. Or studying and learning about all these great religions and truths, but I don't really practice any of them. I'm just trying to find my own way. It was difficult because people didn't get it. So I think what I love about how I had to practice was it was very personal and it was very much my own practice. So I think it helped shape who I am today. One of the things I say a lot is that we can quietly change the world. We can be out there and be strong in our own beliefs, but we don't have to be out there trying to shake up the world to do what we think that they need to do. We can do our own thing. And now I have so many people always saying to me, wow, you're so centered, you're so calm, you're so this, you're so that. I said, it's been 30 years. You know, it didn't happen overnight. But I think if you stick with your own practice and not have this need to feel like I have to tell everybody what I'm doing, I have to get them to do what I'm doing, or I can't do it unless everybody else agrees with me or believes in me, or it really strengthens your own resolve of who you are. So I think it helped me get grounded in my own self and feel confident that I can be exactly who I am without needing the acceptance and the approval of the external world. And now meditation is so mainstream now, it's great. I can talk about it all day long. And people are like, oh, my gosh, can you teach us how to do it a little bit more simply, or can you help us understand it better? Which is where I am today, helping people understand. Understand it better.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Some people still think, oh, meditation, I can't. I need to sit on the floor with folded legs. And you point out in the book you can sit in a chair. You know, some people believe you have to go whole hog into a yoga practice and you have to do it, you know, five hours a day for the rest of your life. And I think in the book you said, you know, you're better off to do five minutes of something always and just have that in your practice. So making it more accessible. I think that is the step that we next need to take on that. So if you start the day in meditation, another important thing that you ask people to do or suggest that they might find benefit from is having a mantra.

Barb Schmidt:

Yeah, definitely. You know, when I studied, when I went on this search, I started studying all the major religions of the world. And when I was in my Buddhist phase of studying Buddhism, I think what I love the most, they do call it meditation, obviously, but most Buddhists that you're with, they call it my sit time. I did my sit today, so I really took that to heart and thought meditation is just sitting with yourself. So how can we feel like we can start our day without really being with ourselves? So it's really helped me cultivate my own love of myself by spending time with myself. So when we do that, we get really grounded within ourselves. We feel comfortable with ourselves with that quiet time of sitting. And so then how do we carry that throughout the rest of the day? Because when I come out of my meditation, even if I've been the whole time sitting there bringing my mind back because it's been distracted the whole time, I still feel a sense of connectedness and peace within as I'M walking out of my space, so how do I carry that throughout the day? And it is the repetition of a mantra. If we think about meditation, we're really training ourselves to. To be in the moment. So the mind is going off and going off. We're training ourselves by bringing it back to the moment. Bringing it back to the moment. So to carry that thread of peace that I talk about or that thread of connectedness, we need to look at ways in our lives that we can be more one pointed, not every place, because I know that's really difficult to try to be right here, right now with every single thing we're doing. But find one or two that you can be focused on and then use a mantra to bring your mind back to the moment. Or if things are crazy, when I get stressed out, I stop.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You can also write your mantra, and I believe you described an individual being on a plane at a pretty important time and tell us how that worked out.

Barb Schmidt:

It was so amazing. I love to write my mantra. It's a very powerful practice to sit and write this sacred word over and over again. It's really just about the power of prayer when you go into prayer circles or meditation circles. So a good friend of mine was on an airplane when 911 happened and his plane was diverted to Canada. And they were on the plane for more than 24 hours, which all of us know. We heard all those stories about people being stranded on airplanes. And he had this practice of writing his mantra. So he's got his little notebooks out, which I carry one with me everywhere I go, and started writing his mantra. And after a while, the people on the plane, the craziness and just the sheer fear of what was going on, started asking him, what were you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? So he started teaching people to write the mantra. So if you kind of close your eyes and imagine that for a minute. I remember when he was telling me a story, I started to cry because I thought what a. I felt really grateful that I had this practice. And I thought, what an amazing situation to be in. We all know how we all felt during that whole time of 9:11. And to be able to really use the practice that I'd been practicing for all those years, he really was able to call upon it in an emergency, really life and death situation. And it calmed him. And he said it actually ended up calming a lot of people on the plane. So it's a very powerful. I call it a tool because it's sacred and powerful, but it really is just a tool. It's really just a mechanical practice of bringing your mind back from the fear into the present moment where you know you have no control. That was one thing he said to me. So Barbie said, being in a situation, really knowing that I had absolutely no control at first I panicked that, whoa, we can't get off this plane. We can't do anything. I don't know what's going on outside this plane. I know it's bad. He said, I first panicked and then I thought, nope, now this is the time to use this tool to practice it for the next over 24 hours. Powerful.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And that is often the way that it goes. If we practice something when we don't need it, that when we need it, you just can pull it up from wherever it is. You can pull out your notebook, you can pull out your time to meditate, that sort of thing. So that's what the practice really does for you.

Barb Schmidt:

It is exactly. Beautifully said. I couldn't have said it better.

Shawn McLaughlin:

It's beautiful.

Barb Schmidt:

It is. It's kind of why I chose the word practice. It matters that you practice. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

I encourage people who are listening to pick up a copy of the practice. Simple Tools for Managing Stress, Finding Inner Peace and Uncovering Happiness. Also to go to your website, which

Barb Schmidt:

is barbschmitt.com or peacefulmindpeacefullife.org and to learn

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

more about the work that you're doing. And it's really a very gentle and yet very affecting way of approaching things. So I appreciate the work that you've done over the course of your life and your willingness to share share this with us.

Barb Schmidt:

Thank you, Lisa. It's been a real joy to be here this morning.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

We've been speaking with Barb Schmidt. She's a lecturer and the founder of Peaceful Mind, Peaceful Life and international best selling author of the Practice. Enjoy the rest of your time in Maine.

Barb Schmidt:

Thank you. It's a beautiful, beautiful state. Thank you very much.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You have been listening to Love Maine radio show number 167, Gratitude in Action. Our guests have included Sean McLaughlin and Barb Schmidt. For more information on our guests and extended interviews, visit themainmag.com radio love Maine Radio is downloadable for free on itunes. We love to hear from you, so please let us know what you think of Love Maine Radio. Also Let our sponsors know that you have heard about them here. We are privileged that they enable us to bring Love Maine Radio to you each week. This is Dr. Lisa Belisle. I hope that you have enjoyed our Gratitude in Action show. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your day. May you have a bountiful life.