Healing through Writing #158

Eileen Doyon:

We're so connected to all this electronic equipment and we're missing the human touch. I think that's my mission that I'm trying to do is just to make a difference in a small way, but it's important to me.

Cidny Bullens:

It was the human experience of life, love, loss and resurrection. Basically because it was accessible to everyone, more people got to hear it. My only wish for that album was that whoever needed to hear it would hear it.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

This is Dr. Lisa Belisle and you are listening to the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour and podcast show number 158, Healing Through Writing, airing for the first time on Sunday, September 21, 2014. Life can be challenging at times. Techniques such as writing can help us deal with grief, sadness, anger and other emotions that may arise during these times. Today we speak with Eileen Doyen, author and publisher of the Unforgettable Faces and Stories series, and Grammy nominated singer songwriter Cidny Bullens, each of whom share their stories and describe the ways in which writing has helped them heal. We know you will enjoy our conversations with Eileen and Sydney. Thank you for joining us.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Today.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

In the studio we have with us an individual who spent a lot of time working on her own issues around grief and loss and mourning and turned it into something wonderful and beautiful. Eileen Doyon is the author of Unforgettable Faces and Stories series, which helps those who have lost a loved one in life to grieve and remember the people in their lives. Thanks so much for coming in.

Eileen Doyon:

Well, thank you for having me, Lisa.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

I have these books with me and I remember when you first sent them along and I think one of them is relatively new. Which one is your most recent one?

Eileen Doyon:

Best Friends.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Okay, so we have Dedications, Dads and Daughters. We have Keepsakes, Treasures from the Heart, and we have Best Friends forever and ever. And I remember reading through all the stories in this series of books and being amazed that people would be willing to tell their story so openly. Were you surprised by this?

Eileen Doyon:

Not really. That's what I expected, and that's what I wanted, to be honest, Lisa, because I think it gave them an opportunity to do healing. And even from my own experience, that's what I achieved, and that's what I was encouraging and trusting that others would achieve at the same time.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, tell me about your experience.

Eileen Doyon:

My experience? I lost my dad to lung cancer back in March of 2011, and my father was very dear and near to my heart. I was Daddy's little girl, and we had a very tight relationship. And I had lost my mom and my brother back in 1981, a few months apart from each other. And I don't really think I had time to grieve and really didn't understand what the grieving process was, if you will, at 23. And as I have gotten wiser and my relationship with my father, it just really took me for a loop, if you will. It was a very depressing, a very dark time in my life, and I was smart enough to know that I was hurting. And then I needed help and I started doing research on the Internet, obviously, in the world we live in. Lisa and it told me to start writing a journal, which I did. I started writing a journal, but it wasn't enough for me. I got very bored with it because I need to have a lot of activity or to pour my heart into something when I do it, if you will. And then I said, oh, well, I'm going to write a book about my dad, because I'm very. My dad was in the military, and I don't know how much you want me to get into that right now, but I didn't find out. I always knew he was in the military, and he was part of the greatest generation, if you will, from World War II. And they never talked about being in the war. And my dad served in World War II, and that's all we knew and that he was aware of the battle where they raised the flag, and that's all we ever knew growing up as kids. And so I said, well, I'll write a book about my dad being in the war. And I'm like, well, the only person that's going to read that book is me and my husband. And then I started going through some of my father's papers, and I found out that my father, at 17 years young, joined the military along with his three older brothers. He was the last one, and he was the only One to see foreign service, foreign soil, and to fight in combat. And he was in Iwo Jima. And I. I don't know how familiar you are with Iwo Jima, but the battle was supposed to be over in 24 hours, 48 max. And it ended up being there for 36 days. And my father served 31 days out of the 36 when he was 17. So I really felt compelled to do something in honor, if you will, of him and of our military. And that's what gave me the idea to do a book compiling stories of other daughters, paying tributes, if you will, to their dads. Because I felt if I feel like that, there has to be other people out there, Lisa, that feel the same way.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And the dog tags, his dog tags became very important to you? It did.

Eileen Doyon:

Unbeknownst to me, you know, the home that my father grew up in, obviously, you know, everyone moves and goes out and they. My aunt had passed away, and I received this little package in the mail and I opened it up and unbeknownst to me was my father's dog tags and this medal. They did the dog tags back then, they were brass and not metal. This one's from my church. But anyways, I received that and this medal with photographs that were actually taken in Iwo Jima when my father served over there with notes to his father on the back of the photographs. And I was just overwhelmed for obvious reasons. And they just really helped me connect and to continue my dealings with healing of the loss of my dad, if you will.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It must have been interesting to go back and think about your father as a 17 year old and as a 17 year old fighting in the military.

Eileen Doyon:

You know, I was a senior in High School, 17 years young. And, you know, most of the women that I reached out to were from. I'm from a small town in upstate New York, Fort Edward, and we all grew up together, if you will. And so most of our dads served back in World War II. And to talk to them, most of them had never done the same thing either. Lisa. A lot of them didn't have anything of their fathers from the military. One of them did. And we were always like, why did that happen? You know, So I encourage everyone, if they have family, whether it's an uncle, brother, you know, grandfather, to encourage them to find out about, you know, the service. My father just made a few comments right before he died about being in the war. And I think that they kind of do that just to unload themselves, if you will, in their last Days.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You said you're from Fort Edward in upstate New York. You live in Portsmouth right now?

Eileen Doyon:

I live in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, currently.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And you're a member of the Pease Greeters at Portsmouth.

Eileen Doyon:

Are you familiar with the program?

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

I am, but I'm not sure everybody who's listening is.

Eileen Doyon:

It's a wonderful organization that was started many years ago in 2001 by a couple of veterans, and we live right behind Pease the Air Force base, if you will. We love to hear the planes come in, especially the military ones, and what it is. I do have a blog on my website that goes into it a little bit more in depth, but we do what we call the hero walk. And it's scheduled so that when troops come in or go out, what happens is when they go overseas or when they come back from overseas, they stop in Portsmouth for refueling. It's the first stop, one of the first five handful areas, Bangor being another one of where the troops stop for fuel. So they have a flight schedule, and Danny and I attend as many as we can. And what happens is they have no idea what's going on. And the plane lands and they come through and there's hundreds of people. Sometimes there's little kids holding flags, and people bring their dogs, service dogs. That's a whole nother area that I recently got into with Pet Tales. But. And what we do is whatever service they are, they play their theme song, if you will, and then we just greet and cheer them, shake their hand, tell them thank you. There's businesses in the area that donate food, coffee, people that make sandwiches and just whatever for them. There's a local communication company that donates phones so that they can call. And they are just so overwhelmed. And to watch their faces when they come over, just to say thank you is just incredible. And going over when the soldiers are going over, it's a little bit of a different mode, but that's okay because they're doing a job and we have a job to do for them as well. And I could tell you hundreds of stories of different things that happened. There was one mom that was there as a greeter, and she didn't even know her son was on that plane. And she saw him walk around the corner, and it was just incredible. Just incredible.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

What is it about making the human connection for you that's so important, whether it is gathering together these stories in the books or whether it is being a Peas greeter? I mean, you seem like someone who really wants to make those connections. It's really important to you.

Eileen Doyon:

It is a lot in the military, and it's. Your path is always laid out in front of you, but you have to choose to walk down that path, if you will. And you have different time periods in your life. And I feel like this is my road that I'm following. And the military has been a big part of my life. I will tell you that I'm very embarrassed and ashamed to a certain degree that I never thanked my father for his service to the country, to our country. He served, you know, four or four years, and he did the Asian Pacific theater tour. And there are so many people that were both men and women that were never thanked. And we owe so much to our military for their dedication, for what they do for us. And so my mission is to thank as many people as I can, thank as many veterans as I can, however, I can do that piece. And a lot, like, even in Keepsakes, even though, you know, I have my grandmother's chandelier and some other people have some other items. There's a gentleman that I went to school with that has his dad's U.S. marine Corps pin, and he does a tribute to his dad on the military side. And in Best Friends, I have a gentleman. His picture's on the front cover, if you will. Bernie, he's an air medic, and he was a captain there. And he was on the front lines in Afghanistan. He was stationed there for 18 months. And he wrote a story about Roger, who took his place when he was coming back. And when the COVID comes out in your book, you get it ahead of time, and it's approved. I'd sent it out to everyone to let them know that the COVID was approved. And he showed it to Roger, and Roger started to cry. And Roger suffers from ptsd. And Bernie's like, roger, why are you crying? And he said, I never knew I was your best friend. No one's ever, you know, had that caring for. And I think in the world we live in, we're so. And you have this on your website. You know, we're so connected to all this electronic equipment, and we're missing the human touch. And I think sometimes, Lisa, we as people, forget how to have that human touch, if you will. And it's so important to have that. And I learned that especially probably the two years of my dad, before he died, just going through everything, and they said that touch is so important, especially to overcome older people, senior citizens, and people, you know, that are dying. And I think that's my mission that I'm trying to do is just to make a difference in a small way. But it's important to me.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

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Cidny Bullens:

The most important thing you need to begin a personal evolution is heart. To start your journey, you have to take the first step with your eyes and your heart wide open, open to new experiences and possibilities. Without this openness, your efforts, your path toward growth and positive change will be fraught with obstacles that seem insurmountable. So if you find yourself looking forward to good things to come, open your heart and take a brave step toward the future. If you're interested in evolving your relationship with your money, get in touch with us. I'm here to help. @tomapherdfinancialmain.com we'll help you evolve with your money.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

i'm sure that this, the work that

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

you're doing with these books brings up a lot of emotions in people. And it sounds like it brings up a lot of emotions in you to think about your own time spent writing. And do you think that's part of what you're helping to do is to help people work through their own pain?

Eileen Doyon:

I am. That is true, Lisa. I think when I look back when I lost my mom and my brother, I never really, what I did is I threw myself into work. And I think a lot of people do that. I did see a counselor, but. But you know, there are books out about healing, you know, and going through death. But everyone is so different and their dynamics of their life is so different. You have to figure it out for yourself. And I don't think I really had an opportunity to do that. So when my father's death was so traumatic, especially because I was so close to him, I really feel that I can help someone go through that pain as well with dedication. Dads and daughters. I have one girl that I went to school with, Patty, and she has a huge family and her dad was in the military, and she gathered all this information and all this stuff about her father. And she's like, oh, my God, Eileen. She said, I'm giving these books to my kids, my grandkids, my sisters, my brothers, because you have all this information around, Lisa. But no one compiles it together. So it's all in one place. And I think to know that your loved one, whether it was a pet or your dad or your mom or your brother, you have someone, something that's tangible, that you can touch. It's not like you posted something on the Internet. And I think that for us, as people, makes more meaning. And I have another girl. Her name is Christy Gardner. She actually is from Lewiston, Maine, and she was in the army, and she is disabled now, and she had a spinal cord injury and some other injuries. And I had seen her information on Facebook, and she now has a service dog named Moxie. And I connected with her to do a story in my book. I feel like I'm being led down this road. And she plays sled hockey for the USA warriors team. And Danny and I went up to Portland and we. Not to Portland, excuse me, Lewiston. And we met her. We had taken her dad up to his dad up to a hockey game. And we're going down tonight to Massachusetts to watch them compete. And I have another gentleman that is blind and what he does, Randy Pierce, he. He climbs mountains and he goes around to high schools and he speaks to the students there and gives them inspiration and on goals just to set no limits that types of things. In each of my book, what I'm doing is I'm donating to a particular charity that goes along with that title, if you will. Like Wounded warriors is for dedication dads and daughters. Obviously, Pet Tales is going to be to neads. Keepsakes is cancer. So I'm trying to really help everybody, if you will. So I think with that, when people write on paper, they feel things like more, and it helps them to get everything out and give them a better direction, if you will, on their healing process. And sometimes people have fun writing down and sharing memories and things like that. Some people make it a team effort, which is always fun. So I like to hear that story. It's rewarding, obviously selfishly, but it's rewarding in a good way.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So in these books, the Unforgettable Faces and Stories series, as you said, you have dedications, dads and Daughters, you have Best Friends Forever and Ever and Keepsakes, Treasures from the Heart. And these are all books that you have created out of a collection of stories that people have sent to you. But it's not always easy to get people to send a story. Even if they say they want to send a story, sometimes it's harder than it maybe should be.

Eileen Doyon:

It is challenging, which surprises me, too, a little bit. Lisa. But when you think about people in general, we all have very hectic, crazy lives, and people always have good intentions. But sometimes people want to write things, and sometimes it hurts too much, and that's okay. I understand. It's just not their time right now, I think, because I'm motivated enough and I understand where they're coming from. I try to work with people as best I can, and I just keep going to the next person to write. So I would love to be. I would love to have 50 stories in each of my books, and I will someday, I have no doubt in my mind, as we get more exposure and as I go on to other titles that people might say, oh, gee, I think I'd like to write in that series.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And that's what occurred to me, is that in dealing with patients, I know that sometimes they're ready to tell their stories, and then sometimes they're not. Sometimes they think they're ready to tell their story, but they're just not quite there. So I think it's admirable that you have that. You have that.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

This understanding that it just may not be their time.

Eileen Doyon:

And I think, because I've walked that walk, and that's okay. And that's okay.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And that's another important point, is that it is all okay, that we all grieve in our own way, in our own timeline, and we might have the quote unquote stages of grief that have been put out there by the people that know, but we may not always fall into a certain stage at a certain time, and it's all okay.

Eileen Doyon:

It is. And I have one of the women that had written a story in dedication dads and daughters. It was the anniversary date of her father's death. And of course, you're on Facebook and people, you know, post things. And someone had said, karen, you know, get out your tribute that you wrote that you wrote on your dad about your dad. And she did that, and she just said, wow, it just really makes you feel better. It's okay. And I love that feeling about the books and what people get out of it. You know, there's a lot of topics that I have in ideas in my mind, and I just get excited to do them. The next one, I want to do is Letters to Heaven. And I think that is going to be phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, we'll be waiting for that. How do people find out about your book series?

Eileen Doyon:

Oh, thank you for asking. I do have a Facebook page, obviously, Unforgettable Faces and Stories that they can like. And I keep updated information about that. I do have a website, unforgettablefacesandstories.com and all of my information is on there. A little history, all the books, all the events. It's just a wealth of information. I have a friend, Kirsten Larson, Larson Edison Marketing, that's been a wonderful partner and a wonderful help to me because she gets me and I think that's very important for to work with someone that gets you, that understands the message you're trying to relay. Because sometimes I can't describe exactly, but she understands and she's done a fabulous job on my website. And my next book, Pet Tales, is slated to be released the end of May, which I'm very, very excited about.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, I know you're doing a great job and everybody that you've touched I think has been blessed by the work that you've undertaken. So I'm sure your father would be

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

very proud of you.

Eileen Doyon:

Yeah, I think so, too. I think so too.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And I encourage people to look into the Unforgettable Faces and Stories series to

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

go to your website.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

We've been speaking with Eileen Doyon, the author of the Unforgettable Faces and Stories series, which helps those who have lost a loved one in life to grieve and remember the people in their lives. Thanks so much for coming in.

Eileen Doyon:

Thank you very much, Lisa.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

As a physician and small business owner, I rely on Marcy Booth from Booth, Maine to help me with my own business and to help me live my own life fully. Here are a few thoughts from Marcy.

[Unidentified voice]:

When was the last time you took a break from what you were doing, from the work that was piled up on your desk and just looked up? I know that during the course of my days I often forget to take a moment or two to just breathe, look up at the sky and dream. Terrible that I have to remind myself to breathe. But when I do, I feel energized because in those moments I'm able to let go of the daily grind and think more about what I want to accomplish, how I want my business to grow. Sometimes those are the aha moments. If we all took a few moments out each day to stop what we are doing and dream a little about our business futures, not only would we feel a great sense of calm, but we may come to realize that these dreams can, in fact, come true. I'm Marcie Booth. Let's talk about the changes you need. Boothmaine.com

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

As a physician, I've noticed that healing takes many forms and people tend to gravitate toward things that really mean something to them in order to get through difficult times. This next guest is an individual who gravitated toward his music and his singing and songwriting to get him through a particularly difficult time. This is Cidny Bullens, who is a singer songwriter who has been nominated twice for a Grammy. His career has taken him from singing backup for Elton John to singing lead vocals on the Grease movie soundtrack. He has had eight critically acclaimed albums. Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth was released in 1999 and was dedicated to his 11 year old daughter Jessie, who died of cancer in 1996. Thank you so much for being in here.

Cidny Bullens:

My pleasure.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Sydney, I think I was mentioning to you before we started our interview here that I had a brief intersection with your daughter when I was going through my medical training at Maine Medical center and you mentioned that it was only three months between the time she was diagnosed and she passed away. So the fact that I even had that intersection is kind of amazing to me. You went through a lot within a very short period of time.

Cidny Bullens:

We did. Well, first of all, it was a shock to have the diagnosis in the first place. Obviously Jesse had been not feeling well and progressively more and more ill and showing more signs of something wrong for about three months. And we kept taking her to the pediatrician and it was the flu and it was this hanging on and that hanging on. And finally around Thanksgiving of 1995, we went in and said this is not the flu, this is something. And they took some X rays. Finally she went in for some chest X rays in the beginning of December and they found her lungs full of tumors. And that began the process. Even then we were in denial about even then they said, well, it's probably not cancer. They always say that, I don't know why. But of course a week later she was diagnosed with fourth stage Hodgkin's disease. Even then they said to us, and you know, I understand the approach of physicians and so on, but they Said to us, you know, if she has to have cancer, this is the best one to have kind of thing. Because there's a 95% cure. Well, you know, the 5% is 5%. And Jesse happened to be in that percentile. So it was a lot to take in. When your child is diagnosed with cancer, it's one of those things where you just can't comprehend it. So for that three month period between diagnosis and her death, she died on March 23, 1996. You're still comprehending the meaning of the implications of her having cancer. And within that time, she had been on protocol, certain protocol, and then the cancer would came back more. It was a particularly virulent kind strain. I don't know, I'm not a physician. And we kept making plans for her to go here or go there or whatever. And so you keep yourself busy with the prospect of survival. How do we keep our child from dying, basically. But it didn't work. She got some kind of infection in the hospital after a particularly difficult and strong change in her protocol, meaning more chemotherapy, different kind, or whatever. And she, I guess her immune system was so compromised that she got some kind of meningitis or something in the hospital. This is what we figure, you know, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't is really what it comes down to. And she went into seizures on March 21, which was my birthday, last time I ever heard her voice. And she died. We kept her alive on life support for two days so that people could come in and say Goodbye. It's still 18 years later when I talk about the particular moments leading up to her death and around her death, it brings me right back to that room in the ICU and her looking the way she looked, which is a lot different than her normal look. We had her picture on the window of the ICU as you walked in. So you kind of knew what she looked like. The nurses knew that that was who she was. And by the way, let me just say right here and now that the physicians and the nurses of Maine Children's Cancer Program and Maine Medical center were just unbelievably wonderful. We're still in touch. I'm still in touch with her oncologist. I played at his wedding last. He lives in Austin, Texas now. And I played at his wedding last year, you know, and I'm still in touch with some of the nurses and social workers and so on. So it's. And that's part of the healing, that's part of the connection. And you know, you said it was interesting that there was that three month period and you got to meet Jessie or interact and know about her in that time. Even today, the oncologists and the nurses who treated her and who were around her say that she. It was like this, you know, blazing light, which is on her gravestone, came in and she was like a magnet and people just knew she was there, you know. But I have to say also as an adjunct, in the 18 years since her death and in the 15 years since I've been singing the songs of somewhere between heaven and earth, which is what we're here to talk about, if I can shut up for a minute,

Eileen Doyon:

is

Cidny Bullens:

I have met so many people whose children have been affected by disease or have died in other ways. And it seems like all of those kids have some almost an unearthly quality to them. That they are magnets. Somehow makes you wonder about whether or not they just came in for a short period of time to teach us lessons of love and light.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Before you even talked about her gravestone and the words that you had on her gravestone. The word that I had in my mind was luminous. And for again, the very. I don't think I had any responsibility for her care. I think I was. I'm thinking about this now. I was a medical student. And in fact, what's very interesting is I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, who was born in January of 96. And

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

it was so difficult to be

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

pregnant with my second child and rotating through pediatrics and rotating through, you know, and seeing the pediatric oncology patients and just know that there, for many of them, there was no good ending really. But there was something luminous about Jesse. I mean, there was something that was very compelling about her and almost healing in a very strange way for me. So I would never. I can't. Having never lost a child. And I would never say that there's a good thing that comes out of somebody's child being sick or dying. But I can tell you that in this case with Jesse and my interaction with her, it really meant something to me.

Cidny Bullens:

Just her being present makes me cry. You can't cry and talk at the same time as, you know, so I'll thank you for that. And I. She was a blazing light and she. People didn't forget her if they met her. First of all, she had this red hair and it wasn't that orange red hair, it was auburn red hair, but just thick head of stunning hair. And in fact, old ladies would stop us on the street and say, you know, I've been trying to find that hair color my whole life, you know. But Jessie, she made an impression in her 11 years, everywhere she went and her legacy has been huge. Her reach has been huge.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

you're gonna play a song for us, I believe from this album I am.

Cidny Bullens:

I'm gonna play a song called Better Than I've Ever Been, which was almost the last song, second to last song written over that year and nine months that I was writing the songs. And it was my wish for myself at the time, just my wish for myself. And I think the wish has come true. And it's not about when I say better than I've ever been. It's not about being. It's about being a better person, you know, just somehow giving back and being a better person. And I think it's come true one day at a time.

Cidny Bullens:

There's been a lot of things things said about me. Since that awful day. I'm not the person that I used to be. That I'll never be the same

Cidny Bullens:

well

Cidny Bullens:

that's true no doubt But I know more now what life is about and I laugh louder, cry harder I take less time to make up my mind and I think smarter, go slower I know what I want and what I don't I'll be better than I've ever been Better than I've ever been. If someone told me 20 years ago. That this would be my life. I'd lose the greatest gift that love can show I'd have said no, I won't survive but don't count me Out Sometimes I'm stronger than I've ever felt Laugh louder Cry harder at tickless time make up my mind and I think smarter Go slower I know what I want and what I don't and I'll be better than I've ever been maybe I'll be better than I've ever been. There's a curious freedom Rising up from the dark Some kind of strength I've never had Though I braid it in a second Just to have you back I gotta try to make some good out of the bad so I laugh ladder and I crack Try harder I take less time to make up my mind and I think smarter and go slower I know what I want and what I don't and I'll be better than I've ever been Better than I've ever been. Better than I've ever been.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Why do you think that this has had such an impact on people, that your music has had such an impact on people around the world? Is it the music?

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Is it the healing process?

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Is it that we all can relate to having a child in our life and the possibility of losing that child?

Cidny Bullens:

The interesting thing about this particular record, and there's kind of two parts to this, because there is the part that affects bereaved parents. And over the last 15 years, I've done many, many, many concerts for bereaved parents, for hospice organizations, for palliative care and hospice physicians and nurses, you know, the annual conferences and so on of that. I've done concerts for universities and colleges, for sociology courses on death and dying and stuff all over the United States and actually some parts of Canada and Europe, but in Australia. So there's kind of two components to this. One is the bereaved parents and how it has affected them. There is also the general population. So let me just say real quick that the songs on Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth. And again, I didn't have anything to do with really any aspect of. Of the songs except that they came through me. But I think that the 30 years or 25 years, whatever it was at the time of my experience as a songwriter, I believe that every bit of experience that I had up until the moment that I started writing those songs was directly for the writing of Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth. The five years I had spent in Nashville learning how to write songs, even though I had been a songwriter for years before that, there was a different kind of education of writing with other people and learning how to craft and, you know, get different aspects of a song to work together. So that said, I Believe that all of my experience came together for me to write Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth. Because what happened with Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth is not only did it affect people who had had similar experience, but it affected people who never had that experience, who it was. It was an album that. That anybody can relate to because it was the human experience of life, love, loss, and resurrection. Basically, you know, all those archetypal, you know, things were touched in this record. Now, I'm telling you that from the vantage point of being away from, you know, 18 years away or 15 years away from the release of that album, I didn't know any of that at the time. I didn't. Didn't know any of it. I just wrote it, you know, and. But what happened was it became a commercial success, which, as it's my biggest album ever. And the reason I say that is because. Because of that, because it was accessible to everyone, more people got to hear it. My only wish for that album was that whoever needed to hear it would hear it. And so I. To answer your question, because it was because anybody could slide themselves into the experience of any one of those 10 songs without having lost a child. It reached. It was able to touch many, many more people. Of course, the people who had lost a child or a loved one got something different from it. The thing that I hear mostly from bereaved parents is that you spoke the words that I couldn't speak. You said what I have not been able to say. You said exactly what I feel but couldn't come up with in words. And I can't tell you. I mean, it's odd to be grateful for something that came out of the death of your own child. But that album, for me, first of all, it's my legacy. But, you know, and it goes back to Jesse's reach. The culmination, the whole sphere of Jesse's presence and energy, combined with my own, combined with my experience as a songwriter and who I am as, as an artist put into those songs, was kind of the perfect combination to reach people who needed to hear that. And there were many people who needed to hear that. They tell me that. I'm not saying they needed to hear it. They told me that because they were going through something in their lives in which they needed to. One of those songs helped them through that. Better Than I've Ever Been is a great example of that, because. And it was the single to the song, to the album, which came out and got the most airplay and therefore got the most exposure. But it was something that everybody can relate to. You know, there are times when you just don't know where to turn. Whether you've lost your job or you're going through divorce or you've lost a loved one or whatever it may be, you're just lost in your life. You don't know what to do. And so there's this moment where you got to make a choice. Either you're going to go home and put the covers up over your head, which, believe me, I still want to do many times, or you're going to take a step forward and you're going to take that leap of faith. And Jesse has taught me that, to take the leap of faith. And that's what somewhere between heaven and earth was. That even though I didn't know why, what I was doing, how I was doing it, and there was times when I wanted to give up and say, what the heck am I doing? And I get this poker. This feeling like, keep going, you know? And I am grateful for the opportunity to have been of service to a lot of people. And it still boggles my mind today how far reach this has had.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

We could do an entire other show on another aspect of how Better than I've Ever Been seems to reflect your life, and that is the transition that you have made from being Cindy Bullens to being Cidny Bullens. I think it's a story that is worth telling, but I don't think it's necessarily central to our discussion of Jesse. But I wanted to mention it as being, you know, this is something that you did for yourself, and it really does speak to some greater courage that you've had in your life and moving forward towards something that you knew was important for yourself, even if you didn't know exactly how to get there or why you were going in that direction.

Cidny Bullens:

That's true. You speak of my. Yes, my transition from female to male. I've always been transgender, even though that word didn't exist until about 15 years ago. And yes, we could do a whole nother program on this. And I'll try to keep this short, but I always knew that I. Or felt that I was born in the wrong body. And my mother, who's now gone, could have told you the same. I can remember being four years old and telling my mother, you know, don't call me Cindy. I'm not a girl, you know, and. But I did what I call a workaround, because at 19 years old, And that was in the early 70s, so there wasn't a heck of a lot going on back then about Transitioning. I looked, I thought about it, and I couldn't do it because I had no money, I had no support. It wasn't something that anybody did that I know, it was so far off the radar. And so I did a workaround in my life. I got married. I had two children. I bore those two children as their mother, and I was married for 22 years. My ex husband knew. There was nothing. There were no secrets. But I did what I could do, and I wasn't. I can't tell you that I was tortured by being thought of as a woman. It becomes kind of this irritation. I never used that word before until this moment. But, for example, every single time I would walk into a ladies room or a women's room, I would look at the sign and there would be this, like, not just an ear, you know, I mean, but I did, because that's who I was. I couldn't. I had a hard time looking in the mirror after a shower, you know, because I always felt that my breasts weren't my own. And I didn't relate to them except breastfeeding, which I loved. But I was resigned to who I was, and I became Cindy Bullins. And I had this wonderful life as well, other than Jesse's death. But I had this full life, let me say that. And I never was pretended to be anything who I was. My clothes that I have on today are the same clothes I had as Cindy. So, you know, I haven't changed my wardrobe at all. And everybody kind of just accepted that. And I was always called androgynous and all that. If you had told me three days before my epiphany two years, three years ago about the fact that I could transition, that I would transition, I would have told you you were crazy. And yet again, it was this confluence of energies, and suddenly there was space for me to confront and to look at the elephant in the room. I was single for eight years. My daughter Reid was married with kids. I wasn't really doing all that much music, a little bit here and there, but that didn't really matter. So it was like this clear path. There was nobody that was going to be affected. Obviously, people are affected, but I mean directly.

Eileen Doyon:

And

Cidny Bullens:

I had a conversation with a friend who was also transitioning, and I went for it. And it's been. It's been an experience. Let's just say, you know, I'm not 25. I'm not 35, I'm not 45. You know, I'm not 55 either. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been interesting. But in terms of healing, I have been able to explore that part of me and I'm really glad that I did. I'm still, I still am. And I'm going to say this. I still am Cindy Bullens. You know, I still am that person. I know you can't see this on the radio, but I'm going to strike. Say it. My daughter Reid, who is brilliant when she wants to be and not a pain in the butt when she, when I think she is. But my daughter Reid said, mom, you've always been and I'm showing my hand and a line. So just imagine a line. Mom, you've always been on this, just this side of the gender line and now you're moving over, just over the edge of the other side. And that to me put it perfectly because I've always been in the middle. Looks wise, acting wise, feeling wise. And so what I've done instead of just being on the female side is I've just moved a little bit over to the male side.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You have a book that's coming out soon and people could probably read more about your experience.

Cidny Bullens:

My book is not coming out soon. My one Person show, My One Wo man show is going to be coming out either is going to be premiering later this year or early next year. The book will follow. But I'm a ways from the book. I've got piles and piles and I am writing it, but I'm concentrating right now on the One Woe Slash man show, which is called Somewhere between. And I'm going to be premiering it in Santa Fe, New Mexico later this year and I expect to bring it to Portland probably early next year. And that has been a daunting experience. But it is touching on all, not all, but the aspects of my life that we touched on today. Somewhere between heaven and earth is a big part of it. The transition is kind of threaded throughout or my being transgender. But it's not about that. It's just part of who I am. Obviously the early music career, my marriage and so on and so forth. So it's I'm really, really excited about that. And of course it'll be musical, there'll be music. So I'm really excited about that.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Sydney, I appreciate you coming in and talking to us today. I appreciate your sharing your story, the entirety of your story, and also appreciate Jessie and the experience that I had with her, however briefly, 18 years ago. My 18 year old just graduated from high school. I can't imagine not having her in my life. I can't imagine not having any of my children. But to think that what you've managed to do as a result of having Jessie for the 11 years you've had her brought such healing to people in so many different places. I give you a lot of credit for that and for whatever energy helped that along.

Cidny Bullens:

Lots of energy helped that.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So we've been speaking with Cidny Bullens. How do we reach you?

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

What's your website?

Cidny Bullens:

My website is Sydney C I D N Y Bullens B U L L E N S.com youm can also get me through CindyBullins.com I still have it, but CindyBullins.com I'm also on Facebook just under my name. There's a band page as well. And yeah, there's all kinds of connections to to my email and so on, so forth.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, thank you very much for doing all that you've done and for being here today.

Cidny Bullens:

Thank you very much for having me.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You have been listening to the Dr. Lisa Radio Hourum podcast show number 158, Healing Through Writing. Our guests have included Eileen Doyen and Cidny Bullens. For more information on our guests and extended interviews, visit Dr. Lisa.org the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour and Podcast is downloadable for free on itunes. For a preview of each week's show, sign up for our e newsletter and like our Dr. Lisa Facebook page, follow me on Twitter as Dr. Lisa and catch my daily run photos as bountiful one on Instagram. We love to hear from you, so please let us know what you think of the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. We welcome your suggestions for future shows. Also let our sponsors know that you have heard about them here. We are privileged that they enable us to bring the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour to you each week. This is Dr. Lisa Belisle. I hope that you have enjoyed our Healing Through Writing show. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your day. May you have a bountiful life.