Nancy Thompson

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Nancy TV Thompson is an insurance agent who lives in cape Elizabeth. In 2004, her son Timmy took his life as a result of depression. Since that time, both Nancy and her husband have been speaking publicly about the loss to save other lives. Thanks for coming in.

Nancy Thompson:

Nice to be here. Thank you for having me here.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It's really very. You have a picture of your son, Tim.

Nancy Thompson:

Always take him with me.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Yeah, he's sitting here with us. And as someone who has a son who is now 24, I just remember this age so vividly. And I remember just the sense that how could anything really go wrong in life? They're so energetic, they're so full of life and yet it did for you. And I just, even looking at your son, it just makes my heart break as a mom.

Nancy Thompson:

Well, thank you. He was an incredible kid. Lots of energy. Love by all. Wonderful, wonderful soul. Always had a smile on his face and was the first one to seek out if somebody was not up to par. If they were down and out, he'd be the first one. He'd be the class clown to make them laugh or make them smile or put that long arm around them. He was 6 foot 3, 175 pounds, long and lean and just a loving, loving kid. And the sense that Timmy had, he would always be. He was very sensitive so he knew when other friends were kind of struggling and he was kind of the go to kid but just always, always fun. So never, never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that he had this internal struggle called Depression that comes on so suddenly and so strong, like a ferocious just illness that just takes over, takes over your mind. And he's still there in that body. He's still there in that facade. But yet the mind changes so quickly and so dramatically. And my husband, Tim and I were really struggling to try and help him. And it was a very short period of time. It's a time of, like you said, excitement. High school, when kids are just so. They're coming out sideways because they're all nervous about which college they're going to go to, where their friends are going to end up, and it's just very exciting. It's the last of all of the things that they've done for four years in high school. And suddenly and slowly he would. His personality started to change just towards the end of the school year. He turned 18 on May 1 and was so excited about being a true adult and just going out into the world. And I could just see a couple of times he had just grabbed me in the kitchen. I was always grabbing him by the waist because he was so tall, and pulling him in just to give me a hug before he left. And I could just see on his face, it was just. It was different. It wasn't Timmy. And we knew he was struggling a little bit, but didn't understand the whole process of depression and how it can kind of take over your personality. So we started to ask questions, try to get him into a doctor. He had been attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity since childhood. And all the teachers would say, oh, don't worry about it. He's got a lot of energy. When he grows up, he'll be a CEO of a company. He'll be in sales because he'll have that energy. He'll corral that energy, and he'll go out and do something wonderful in the world. So we got him to age 18, we got him through the school system, graduating from Cape Elizabeth High School. We did all those milestones, and then all of a sudden, he started to change in May and June, and literally we were fighting for his life.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

And it's not an easy thing to get help for something like this, is it?

Nancy Thompson:

Gosh, no. No. One of my good friends is a psychiatric nurse. I didn't even think in my own mind to pick up the phone and ask her and say, these are the types of signs that I'm seeing. He's being restless. He wants to stay up at nighttime. He's sleeping in the daytime, where Timmy never slept in the daytime. The eating patterns had started to change. And this is all within just a couple of weeks of time. So people rack it up for senior summer. They're busy, they're not getting the right sleep, they're running on empty. In hindsight, everything is perfect, you know, but the perfect storm was ahead of me, and I didn't understand what that perfect storm was. With all of the stresses that he had going on in his life at age 18

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

and having worked with 18 year olds for a long time as a doctor, they're not always interested in getting there, Listening.

Nancy Thompson:

Right.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Or interacting, in talking about things that are hard. I mean, actually, I think I know a lot of adults this way too. But to be an 18 year old and sometimes not even have the words

Nancy Thompson:

right, independent thinking, they can figure it out on their own. And looking back, most of his friends, they were so devastated when Timmy took his life because they had no idea the internal struggle that he had. Just like his family. I mean, we're a really tight family. We ate meals together. We were together. The seven Thompsons were glued together. So his four siblings would have done anything in the world. They would have, as I always say, the kids said that they would have been with him 247 if they had to. And I tell everybody, I would have strapped that kid to my back. I would have carried him 24 7. Had I known six weeks after we started to think that he was having some problems, I wouldn't have let him out of my sight. And as it turned out, he ended up taking his life in our own home. While all seven of us were there trying to help him, we were there together right at the very end. So

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

it's been almost 14 years. It'll be 14 years this July. This July, yeah. But it's still really.

Nancy Thompson:

Oh, it's there.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Yeah.

Nancy Thompson:

Just like yesterday. Yeah. But a lot has happened in almost 14 years. A lot of good has come as a result of Timmy Thompson. I'm not afraid to talk about Timmy, and that's why I take his picture with me everywhere I go, Because I want people to know that this could happen to their child. I want people to know that a great kid like this could struggle with depression and it could happen to their own family members. So we started lots of kitchen table conversations through the years. We're struggling teenagers. I wanted parents to ask the questions, see how their kids are, check in with their kids. And we always had an open door policy in our house. You know, all of Timmy's friends came after we lost Timmy. And I said, you know, I didn't Want the fallout. I didn't want another kid to take their lives. I wanted them to talk to their own family members. But if they weren't comfortable, come and knock on my door. My door was open, and I would get kids coming in at midnight. I'd be sitting in my pajamas in my den looking at pictures of Timmy at midnight, and I'd see these eyes peering in, and my husband and I would wave them in. But they were checking in with us, and we were checking in with them, and they'd come in and talk, and that's all they wanted to do, was talk. And I think a lot of the times family members don't have that opportunity to talk. They don't really see what's going on with their kids because they're so busy with life.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So where did Timmy fall in the lineup as far as. Was he. Was he the youngest?

Nancy Thompson:

No, middle. Middle. So I had two daughters, Molly and Emily, that were 14 months apart. And then two and a half years later, I had Timmy. So he was this bounding energy, and I had a harness on that kid from the minute he was 18 months old, because you only have two arms, so. But when you get your third child, you know, you have to grab him and pull him in. And then two years later, we had Russell, and then another two years, we had Haley. So three girls and two boys.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Do you think that there was something about being that middle child that made him more likely to kind of try to take care of himself a little bit?

Nancy Thompson:

Probably being the first male too independent. But yeah, no, he was kind of the center of the family because he did bring so much energy to the family. And we love the energy because we'd be sitting around and not doing anything. He'd be the first one to say, come on, let's go out. Let's go outside and play. Let's shoot some hoops. Let's do this, let's do that. And all the kids were pretty athletic, so we spent a lot of time outdoors. And they all skied, and they all played basketball, and they all played soccer. So I spent my life in a minivan taking them everywhere. But I loved every minute of that. The travel, soccer. We'd go to Maryland or Pennsylvania or wherever, and not just my own children, but all these other kids. So it was a busy, busy time. But he added a lot to that energy, and it was a lot of fun.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You talk about him being very tuned into other people, and sometimes people who are sensitive and tuned into other people, they end up carrying burdens for Others as well. Do you think that happened with.

Nancy Thompson:

I totally agree with that. I think in his mind that he didn't want to be a burden to his family. I think as he was thinking about that and thinking about the life that possibly he could have with this emerging mental health issue, that I think that he thought, in his mind, I don't want to be a burden to my family. And I would give anything to go back and have that conversation with him and say, tim, that's what families are all about. We're here to support each other. And it's not only my immediate family, but again, I come from a large Irish Catholic family in Boston with eight kids. My dad was a police chief in the town, and we did a lot of things. And having a large extended family who loved and adored him, the ripple effect through the family was just immeasurable because all of a sudden, one minute Timmy was here, and the next minute he was gone. So it wasn't just the impact on our small nucleus. It was the extended family and then the community. And when we lost him, it was just incredible, the amounts of people that came out because they knew that he really was a great kid. Yeah, everybody has their moments, but he really, truly was a good kid, a good boy. And that's what. What a lot of people wanted to pay tribute to that. That he. He was a kind soul and he was very sensitive.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It is possible to be all of those things and. And have depression. I mean, depression is. Is. It's a biologic process.

Nancy Thompson:

Sure.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So I'm not sure everybody thinks about it that way. There's such a stigma that is associated with mental illness better than it used to be. We're talking about it more, and we're realizing this more. But I have talked to patients who have for years suffered with anxiety and depression and don't want to talk about it with anybody else because they feel embarrassed somehow. And somehow it makes it so that they. They want to be positive, they want to help everybody else, they want to carry the burdens for other people, and they. They can't. This feels like a dark place inside of them. Did you ever get that sense with him?

Nancy Thompson:

No, not at all. Not at all. I think, again, because it came on so suddenly and so quickly at the end of his senior year that we really. We didn't have enough time to deal with the depression that had come on so suddenly. But I do, when I talk, I hope that by talking about it and being very public about depression that people will understand that there are people out there to help and don't be afraid. This crazy stigma about mental illness. We all have issues. We're human. And when you talk about it, I just hope that people will have a better understanding. So, you know, stop the stigma. Be the voice. My youngest daughter, Hailey has moved to Richmond, Virginia and she's going for her master's. Obviously her life was changed, turned upside down, but she's gone into social work. And here's this little sixth grader who lost her big brother who she adored and now she's 26 and going to get married in July. And she speaks like me at the top of a mountain. She spoke in front of a thousand people at a walk. And he gives us the courage to go out there and go talk about it because you know, if we tell our Timmy story, that will save lives. I can't tell you how many people talk about the stigma of suicide and how afraid they are. But the more talk that you can, the more times you talk to people, the better off you'll be because you are destigmatizing it. Because people can talk about heart issues or cancer like nothing, but they can't talk about depression. And that's one of the things that I tell everybody. I'm going to go to my grave talking about getting rid of the stigma because it's silly. You will save a life. Put an arm around somebody if they're struggling, pick up the phone for somebody. Access services. Get to know your local support services. They know it. Your first responders are the people that know that when people are struggling, but just go the extra mile for people. And I think this place would be a lot better if people weren't so close minded about mental health issues.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Why do you think that they are again, the stigma?

Nancy Thompson:

Because people feel like there's something wrong with me if I have dark periods or something. There's gotta be something wrong with my family. Every family has issues. Every family. Nobody's perfect. But it's amazing the stories that I've heard through the years of just the simple acts of kindness that people have done when people are in a dark place that have saved lives, literally saved lives, opening doors for somebody who was just going to go and take their life because they were so tired of the day to day struggle that they had. And that person that opened the door and said, hey, how's your day? Kind of snapped them out of it. I've heard so many stories from so many survivors. Little acts of kindness made all the difference in the world and snapped them out of whatever it was Their thought process at that time.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Talk to me about. We've been talking more about the depression. Talk to me about the suicide. I mean, if depression has a stigma, suicide has that in spades, I think. And it's so. It's such a final solution. And I think all of us struggle with that.

Nancy Thompson:

Sure. Well, obviously, people take their lives. They're not in the right frame of mind. We all know that. And suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And usually it goes hand in hand with somebody who's struggling with some sort of depressive state. And that's why if somebody is suicidal or if they've got suicide thoughts, don't leave them be with them until you can access services, that somebody will be there. Some professional can help you. A lot of people will claim that they're suicidal, and people will leave them unattended, and they should have somebody there at all times. You've always got to have somebody if they are tending to talk about suicide. And there are enough professionals, again, the first responders, most of them are trained, crisis intervention trained. They all have these wonderful training models, and they're there to help.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

So

Nancy Thompson:

I think a lot of times we have to have more people that will be open to helping one another. And I think there's a fear there that. That they don't want to extend themselves. But number one is stay with that person until you can have a professional help you.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

I guess what I. What's just so striking to me is you said that everybody in your family was home. You all were with Timmy, and it almost seems as if you had really, you were living with what you're telling me other people should live. And still he went through with this. I mean, that is just heartbreaking, really.

Nancy Thompson:

Yeah. Yeah, it was my youngest daughter. He had gone up into our bathroom. And my youngest daughter, you know, when the hair on the back of your neck goes up, she kept checking on him. And we were moving him around from his bedroom downstairs to upstairs. He had the high school pad downstairs in the basement because it was like a rite of passage when you're going off to college, that you got to have the downstairs suite. And he said to me a couple of days beforehand, mom, it's too dark in the basement. I think I want to come upstairs. So we were all moving his furniture upstairs, and we're shuttling up and down and taking care of all of his clothes and his furniture and painted the room because we knew he was struggling. And he went into our bathroom, and Haley had checked on him just 30 seconds beforehand. And the week before, our attic door had broken, and we thought we heard a bang, and we thought it was the attic door coming down that had broken. And it was Timmy. He had shot himself in our bathroom. So we had no idea that he had gotten a hold of a gun. But he did. And it was devastating for all of us. But he had a plan in place, and it was a difficult, difficult time for all of us.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It sounds like you were doing everything that you could do.

Nancy Thompson:

Yeah, we were. We really were. We were all with him. And as I tell all these kids, I think in life, they. They think that the problems that they have at the time are so difficult that they're not thinking as adults would, that they're so severe at that stage that they don't think clearly enough because obviously their brains aren't as developed as adults. But those small problems that they have as teenagers are so dramatic and so large that they can't conceptualize getting through that problem. And I think he just wore himself out. He had some relationships with some friends, and he just thought this was his way of checking out.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You talked about your youngest, who's now 26, 26, getting her master's in social work. How are your other kids doing?

Nancy Thompson:

They're all doing really well. My oldest daughter, Molly, is expecting baby number two. My second oldest, Emily, is in South Korea with her husband in the military, has two children. My son Russell, is at unum, thriving in his job, and Hayley is in Richmond, Virginia. So they're all doing really well. But the tightness that we always had got even tighter after we lost him. It was almost like now the six of us were here against the world, and we got really, really tight. And there was nothing that we didn't hold back from each other because I was nervous, not only for my husband and I, but I was nervous for the other four. I couldn't imagine going through life losing a sibling and not being able to vent that and not being able to have that security from one another.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

You've really maintained this positive energy in your life. You served on the board at the center for Grieving Children, and you've been associated with the Junior League of Portland for a long time. You obviously do of a lot, lot of speaking about to me and about your family's experience and your experience. What have you learned as a result of all of this?

Nancy Thompson:

I've learned not to be afraid. I think from all the years that I volunteered with the Junior League of Portland helped me because I volunteered in so many different capacities, working with lots of nonprofits in Portland, I knew where to go to. We were instrumental in helping the center for Grieving Children set up their organization and give them some money early on and provide volunteers. So that was a no brainer for me. Love the center and the center. It's just an amazing place to makes people whole again. And I had my entire family, neighbors, friends, whoever was in the house. Within 48 hours, we were at the center and Patricia Ellen, who used to work at the center, was there and ran a. Was the facilitator in our deepest, darkest hour. But they were there, and if I hadn't been involved in my community, they never would have been able to access services right away. So I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm one of the lucky ones that had services right away, and then that kind of gave us the strength to move on. But it's easy to talk about Timmy because he's the one who's giving me the strength and the courage to do it. He really has. I actually ran for public office early on because there was a vacancy. And I figured, you know, maybe if I ran for office, I could possibly do some legislation in the state of Maine so people wouldn't be so nervous talking about suicide. And as it turned out, I lost. I ran not once, but twice. But it was a phenomenal experience. I got to meet so many people in Augusta and I really was able to learn my, you know, kind of sharpen my skills in advocacy. And it became easy. I had a friend, Grace Eaton, who had lost her son, and the two of us got together and we met with a representative from Jay, and he sponsored the bill. And before you know it, I worked really hard. I worked the phones and was when the bill was starting to take shape. We fortunately had a blizzard in February of 2013, and I dialed about 100 of these representatives and really told my Timmy story. And it was easy because it came from the heart. And I can't tell you how many of these senators and representatives would say, nancy, I get it. You know, I've got a lot of constituents. I have people that take their lives all the time. But I think I put a personal story to that. And one thing led to another, and LD609 was created. And now in all the public school systems throughout the state, every person that gets a paycheck from the state of Maine, be it a school bus driver, a cafeteria worker, secretary, a teacher, admin, they all have to have training in suicide prevention, intervention and awareness. So now people are talking about it. And they're not afraid to talk about it. And all they have to do is just refer out, and it's a referral. And I'm hoping that those referrals will save lives. I think they have. And there's a video. Channel 8 did a video, and they show it every year. And there's a lot of really good people that are in the school systems that have been talking this talk and walking this walk, and they've seen these kids come and go, and it's broken their hearts to see a lot of them not be productive members of society because we've lost them to suicide. And they get it, and they're very appreciative. So I get a tap on the shoulder at church, or I get a tap on the shoulder while I'm in the Old Port. I get a tap on the shoulder no matter where I am. And they say, thank you. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

We've had, unfortunately, in the last few years, several high schools in the area that have lost students, and one in particular in the middle of Portland, and lost more than one student to suicide. How does this impact your energy around this topic? Are you. Does it motivate you more to try to do more?

Nancy Thompson:

It does. I'm a realist. I know we can't save everybody because we can't protect everybody. I think it's probably my father on the police side of things, protection, so serving people. But I know that we can't save everybody. But I also know that we can plant the seed to save a lot more people. And I think talking about it, as all the mental health professionals would tell you, is going to save lives instead of just sweeping it under the rug and letting kids struggle and not being there with a reaching hand and helping them get those services.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

It's also important for people to know that not everybody grieves the same way. So for you, losing Timmy has been a motivating factor and has pushed you in the direction of advocacy. And for other people, that's not right. The path they'll choose. And that's okay.

Nancy Thompson:

That's okay. That's okay. Everybody. Everybody grieves in different ways. But Timmy gives me a lot of energy. It's all that energy that we no longer have. I think he's given it all to me. And when I think of him, I think happy thoughts, I think of him, I think of his energy. And when I'm a little tired, he motivates me to kind of get out there. And when I want to go ahead and talk to somebody if I'm little nervous and I really don't want to go over and shake somebody's hand and say something, I think Timmy gives me the energy to do that. I do a lot of work over at Spring Harbor Hospital and several committees. And even though I don't have him present at the table, I always introduce myself as Nancy Thompson, Timmy's mom. And I say I'm a suicide survivor, but I'm here because I'm advocating for those that cannot advocate for themselves. I have a voice at the table and the voice is for Timmy.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

Well, I know this. Despite all the energy you get from Timmy, I'm sure that this is not easy for you. So I appreciate your talking with me today and for all the conversations that you've had. And as the mother of a teenager and 20 somethings, this is a really important topic. And when I think about you opening your home to the members of your community to bring them in, the kids, the teenagers, the adults, it sounds like I'm really appreciative that you made that effort. It's really important to have people like you who are doing this work.

Nancy Thompson:

Thank you. I've met a lot of great people along the way, a lot of suicide survivors that have had some very difficult times. But I think putting that armor on somebody's shoulder and being there for them is more important than not being able to be there for somebody. So it's the definition of a good friend. If we can all help one another, I think we can save some lives.

Dr. Lisa Belisle:

I encourage anybody who is having difficulty with depression or thinking about suicide or knows anyone. And you don't have to be a doctor, you don't have to be a healthcare provider. If you know that somebody is struggling, please do try to access services. There are a lot of people who are out there who are able to help and really small gestures can make a big difference. So please listen to what Nancy has been talking about and take it seriously, because this is something that we are all in together and we all need to work on this together with the people in our community. I've been speaking with Nancy Thompson, who is an insurance agent who lives in cape Elizabeth. In 2004, her son Timmy took his life as a result of depression. Since that time, both Nancy and her husband Tim have been speaking publicly about their loss to save other lives. Thank you so much for coming.

Nancy Thompson:

Thank you for having me.